Dunfermline, Fife.

08/10/13

Thurso, Thurso, Thurso! What do I know about Thurso, well it’s the day sandwiched between Wedno and Frido. But apart from that, it is the most northerly town in the UK, and we are looking forward to starting our next journey at the top. The tour is going to take us out of the cities and into the towns the length and breadth of the country. As a band we always take the scenic route and can’t wait to take our show to these far flung places.

Now just wondering what axe to play with, this is my Antoria Junior that I found in an Aberdeen pawn shop on the last tour. As usual I have heavily modified it. All hardware was stripped off or rather fell off. I added the Bigsby tremolo arm and Strat pickup at the neck position. It also needed a refret. A few tweaks here and there and I have the ultimate punk rock guitar.

Thurso, we can’t wait

That is all.

Dunfermline, Fife.

03/09/13

Oi! Dorothy, close your eyes and tap your desert boots together three times.

Think to yourself, “There’s no place like the toon. There’s no place like the toon.”

Yes folks, here we are back in Dunfermline after living on a bus since June. What a social experiment that was. From the desert highway to the New York subway, 5 musicians, 3 road crew, 1 swag lady, 1 crazy driver plus 4 family. Thank God I got home with my sanity intact, well apart from falling asleep on the couch. Sandra tried to wake me and I told her she was a f*ckin’ weirdo and to get out of my bunk. Isn’t time travel wonderful? Tomorrow I will switch on the hoover and get Sarah and Jamie to shake my bed.

I would like to thank Jan, Sarah, Mickey V, Ray, Will, Jules, Wee Dylan, Medium Sized Dylan and young Evan, whose smile kept us all going every morning.

Also big thanks to all behind the scenes and LHS people.

Last but not least, North America and Canada, we love you and hope to come back next year for more shows.

A small city made of metal cometh.

That is all.

Pensacola, Florida

27/08/13

“Are we a bus?” shouts Ray upon pulling away from the truck stop. “Yes. We’re a bus.” is the usual reply, and we hit the road again. So far we’ve already left Jamie behind at a truck stop in Bum Fart, Nebraska thinking he was in his bunk sleeping which was an 8 hour round trip to get him back. Will got off the bus in Pig’s Testicle, Idaho to use the restroom and he was left behind. These mistakes are expensive and cost the band fuel, tolls, taxes and eat into the driver’s time. The simple solution is to hang your backstage pass on the steering wheel so the driver knows you are off the bus. This is one of the many problems that occur on the road.

Here is a little insight in to our world. That’s Mike leading us into another rousing chorus of 68 guns at the front. Only another 67 to go. Mark’s sitting in what’s known as the hot seat which is a bad place to be. Yes that’s last night’s stage costumes hanging up above him and the A/C is busted again. The canine shaped thing at the back performing an act of unspeakable vulgarity on Derek was almost road kill ’til he rescued him. He’s called Rodney and his bite is much worse than his bark. His farts are also rotten which explains the look of disgust on Mark’s face. Behind Jamie is our sleeping quarters. Notice the lack of modesty curtains, mattresses, pillows and comforters. The door to the right is the rest room which simply opens to the outside world, and believe me; you don’t want to take a rest there. Behind the sleeping quarters is the crew room. We don’t allow them to travel with us as we are the talent and are far superior intellectually to them. We do unchain them at truck stops but they always find their way back to the bus.

For some strange reason Jamie seems very happy in this picture. Whoever comes up with the funniest caption as to what he is thinking wins a free ticket to the Dunfermline Alhambra show in October.

That is all.

Akron, Ohio the next day.

22/08/13

Are we not men? We are Loco. I decided to spend an extra day in Akron. Well, I had to. I was playing a show. And what are you lot laughing at? No. it’s not a flower pot or even a hat. It’s a Devo energy dome and I love it. And before you lot start typing ‘Is it Bill or Ben’ just remember that these energy domes were responsible for some of the most original music to come out of America in the late 70’s. Devo, I salute you as well as the wonderful city that is Akron.

(Just after I posted this, a kid drove past me on a moped and called me Lego Head. I hate kids, they’re weird.)

That is all.

Akron, Ohio

21/08/13

News just in. Big Country to expand line up for next album and tour. Here we see the guys having a jam with The Rubber City Rollers. That’s Johnny ‘Two Lips Becker’ ripping it up on sousaphone while blowing his top at the back; ‘Lungs’ Lafferty makes that euphonium his own. Let’s not forget on backing vocals and triangle the amazing Rubber Jenny Brown. Sure plays a mean trombone.

Mmmmmm that’s nice

That is all

Date: Unknown.
Location: In North America, possibly in a state.

The Dean and I.

Hum drum days and a hum drum ways. Hey kids. Let me tell you how I met your mom. So sung Kevin and Lawrence along with their 10 cubic centimetres of pure pop genius back in ’73. Well, boys. Never mind that. While you lot were loading up your rubber bullets and smooching in the dark with the Dean’s daughter, I was out there in Alcholand hanging out with the man himself. That’s right, James Dean. (Check out my picture if you don’t believe me) Although the conversation was a little flat, he told me he was most appreciative to be immortalized in their song.

He also had a soft spot for David Essex.

I better go, Ethel Merman just showed up.

That is all.

16/08/13 (Part 2)

Belmar, New Jersey

Well, I never did manage to find “The Boss”, but I did find his Fender Esquire on the corner of 10th Avenue and E Street in Belmar. Crikey! He must have hands like tractor shovels. Weighing in at a hefty 150 pounds, this axe is massive and at eight foot in length. Bruce must have arms like a mountain gorilla. Heaven knows how he can do a 4 hour show with this beast strapped around his shoulders. Maybe he is made from titanium. Maybe he’s a superhero, a superhero called Titanium Man that protects the badlands of New Jersey with his mighty weapon. Maybe I have been on the road too long.

Bruce I love ya and New Jersey rocks.

16/08/13 (Part 1)

Asbury Park, New Jersey

Weapon of Choice number 3

Well here we are back where we started all those months ago on the Jersey Shore. We are at the Wonderbar again which is now becoming my favourite east coast gig. The guitar in my hand is a beautiful DBZ Bolero Calavera which I rescued around a month ago in a sorry state. Mickey V has done wonders with her and she is now my latest squeeze. Behind me on the wall is the famous reproduction of the Tillie mural. Boy! What a smile. I feel so good I think I will go and search for Springsteen.

That is all.

Landen, Ohio

11/08/13

I’m a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted dead or alive. So sang New Jersey boy, Jon Bon Jovi on his 1986 hit ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’. Well Jon, as you can see below I am also a cowboy riding on a steel horse. Exhibit A is the wonderful cowboy hat which fits me like a hat, and as for the steel horse check out Exhibit B. A beautiful vintage Ford Ferguson 8N tractor. That’s right: The one with the 4 speed transmission and position control for the hydraulics. Boy! This baby sure is a smooth ride. I simply unhook it from the bus and trundle off down to Walmart for the day’s supplies. I do get some strange looks from the locals. But hey! I’m a guy that gets things done.

Keep on trucking.

That is all.

Strawberry Fields, Central Park West, Manhattan, New York.

06/08/13

We caught the train from Harrison and got off at the World Trade Center. I made this journey in 2006 with Derek and the ‘Four Good Men’. At that time it was out of bounds and flat, but now towering in the sky is the Freedom Tower. She looks magnificent. It is a strange feeling as basically you are visiting a construction site as well as a memorial. I feel like an intruder in this on-going work.

The subway beckons and we disembark at Times Square, walk up past the ‘other’ Carnegie Hall and onwards to Central Park. I take Jamie and Sarah to the Dakota building and stand at the entrance. It feels strange, almost like when I stood on the grassy knoll weeks ago.

We head over the Hudson to Hoboken for a bite to eat then end up at base camp in Secaucus. The good bus ‘Endurance’ is gleaming under the moonlight. She has been cleaned from head to toe. Ray has had the linen changed and she smells like a thousand red roses. Sod it! Break out the Yuengling. I am staying at my good friend John’s’. There’s a Rocky movie on.

That is all